Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Do you think you can change one’s nature? I already lose hope… It is a shame for me to admit this, but I’m a very messy person… Recently, I left my glasses in the bathroom in the soap container, and I couldn’t find it anywhere. I would never think that I should look for them in the soapbox. I was already too ashamed to ask out loud: where are my glasses? Usually, my husband, with a smile answers asking: Did you check in the freezer? When I finally found them, I told myself: ENOUGH! And I put the glasses in a different place, of which I instantly forgot. I have this certain eye defect, which doesn’t require constant wearing of eye-glasses, so I keep on taking them off and putting them back on. I call my glasses “eyes” and sometimes I treat them pretty much as if they are alive. I affectionately speak to them in my mind: “Please, come out! Where did you hide again…?
So I looked for my eyes again: in the fridge, in my shoes, in the oven… Oh, they cause many worries and joys alike to me. The worries are when I can’t find them, but when I finally find them, I am very happy :) With my eyes, one never gets bored, because you can of course always go on a search for them...
I’ve already written about childbirth, but I would like to share some other thoughts that came to my mind when I was pregnant for the first time. I was a totally new, not familiar with me situation in which my body wasn’t behaving the way it used to. I was horrified to think about my growing belly even to the point that I couldn’t sleep at night, and the morning sickness only powered up my mental dilemmas. I was most afraid of giving birth! What is going to happen?! How will it be?!Maybe I’ll share the fate of many women who died during this horrifying event?! What if the child is sick?! I pushed such thoughts to the end of my consciousness. When started having my first labor pains, I didn’t believe that it had already come. My husband also wasn’t sure. When I told him about the “weird” pains, he said: “Go, and lie down, maybe it’ll stop.”
But the pains didn’t go away, on the contrary - they were worse and worse, to the point where nothing could push aside the moment which appeared so instantly and was to change my life forever. I was to become a mother for the first time.
When I was lying in the hospital, my mind was going crazy: So here I am now, and now THIS is going to happen! This moment, of which I knew for about 9 months, has come, and I’m in a situation in which I’ve never been. Something absolutely new! You can’t do anything to change the way of events, I’m just totally left to what’s going to happen. I can’t say: Excuse me, I don’t want this, I want to go home!
There, I thought that from the practical point of view, this can be compared to death. Everyone knows that there will come a moment where you’ll be in a totally new situation, where you can’t do anything but wait for the fate to decide. You won’t be able to go back, rewind and say: I want to go home! You will not know where will you go, what is waiting for you there, because no one knows what is on the other side…. So I thought: